Falling Short

I am falling short, in many areas, including blog posts. 3 months is a long time! Way too much has happened to play "catch up" again, so I'll just share my thoughts. 

Fall....I love fall and this year is especially nice as the spiritual atmosphere is calm. It is the first fall in 13 years that I am not on egg shells. In fact, I have relaxed to the point of "Falling Short." 

I have to admit, life has been hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined, and I have not taken the punch as well as you would have thought. I am Wonder Woman, right? Not even close. Grief is such a horrible emotion. Is it an emotion? It sure feels emotional. Loss.....it is overwhelming. My daughter, deep friendships, church....the loss is far reaching. Sometimes it feels VERY unfair.

And it sucks to have to accept the reality of your situation.

But then you have to make the best of it, right? Isn't there always an alternative?

And if you trust...miracles can happen......

....like winning a hermit crab, while throwing ping pong balls, left-handed into a little fish bowl, set among many little fish bowls, all positioned to make it impossible to win. 

So let's talk blessings and not losses for the rest of this post! Joe moved in and he has been such a ray of sunshine here!!!! He and Bud have really brought some life and laughter back in....see how God replaced one child lost to me with TWO brought home??

And with Joe, my grandchildren have been multiplied.....

....nah...that's the old bunch! ;) (TJ and Zach both had broken bones within 6 weeks of each other, and Emerson turned FIVE!!)

Lakota and Alijah, are amazing kids and we have loved getting to know them and love them like they are our own...which they now are!!! Double portion!!!!

And more blessings....one I am confident enough to share here.....

A new girl!!! Well a new, old girl....Kimi is the woman in Bud's life. They actually went to his senior prom together, and have rekindled their relationship. I think it is pretty serious. She is just the kind of girl to keep him on his toes. She is FUN and loud (she admits that) and is always ready to make you laugh and have a good time. You can NOT be sad around Kimi!!!! Did you know Bud's name is Kim? Yes...Kim and Kimi. This next pic actually shows her personality better.....

We LOVE her, and she makes my son SO SO SO happy!!! 

She has a son, Dylan, who is 6, and so my Grandma cup runneth over!!!!!

It is wonderful to see God restore that which was stolen. Now I need to do MY part....more on that next time. For now I need to get back to my quilt.

Only God Is Perfect

 We all want our quilts to be as close to perfect as we can get them, but we also know that SOMEthing is going to go a bit wonky somewhere in the process. Usually it is in the piecing. An intersection may be a tad off, a point gets buried in the seam allowance, a pucker shows up out of no where. Well if you get through the piecing perfectly, the quilting is sure to get you....there will be some missed stitches along the way, a toe hanger may even show up, and you may go off course because you are watching television while you are quilting and they are announcing the Biggest Loser as you are stitching away! If by chance, a miracle happens and your quilting is perfect, the binding will destroy any chance of that perfect quilt. Mitered corners?? Really...and FOUR of them at that. You may get 1 or 2 perfect, but certainly not ALL 4!!! Well I did it!!!!! I made the perfect quilt. My piecing was flawless, my quilting could have won a blue ribbon and ALL 4 corners are beautifully mitered!!!!! 

It was PERFECT! I felt my chest puff out in pride and I knew I had attained something special, and in TWO weeks time...a new record for me!! Perfection felt AMAZING!!!! I am ALL THAT and a bag of scraps!!!! 

And then it happened!!! I spotted a flaw in the fabric. It was a tiny little flaw, but a FLAW....a perfect quilt has NO flaws. And this was not a flaw that could be left to itself....it would not hide. In fact, the trip through the washer and dryer would turn that tiny flaw into a full fledged hole!! What did I do??? I SOBBED! *picture Scarlet O'Hara throwing herself on her bed, wailing!* As I wept and mourned the perfect quilt, and wondered how I could possibly make another one in 2 days, I heard my Jesus' voice speak ever so softly to me. "Only I am perfect."  Oh. I was stunned. Of course I knew this....it is the "Quilter's Rule"...Only God is Perfect. I grabbed the quilt, ran to Joann's to get identically matched thread, and some fray check. I whip stitched that flaw, which OF COURSE made it look MUCH worse, and drop some fray check on there. I repented of my pride and puffed-upped-ness (yes, I may have made up that word) and threw that flawed quilt in the washer.....it came out of the dryer beautiful. I could find the flaw right away, but my kids couldn't....Charlotte found it after 10 minutes and the boys never did find it. It is there....a blob smaller than a pea, but larger than a pin head. 

And like this quilt, we are all flawed....none are perfect....Only God.  I think this is my favorite quilt. I believe baby Lincoln will love it and he may even find that flaw and rub it as he falls asleep....it may comfort him. I know it comforts me that it is there! 

Here is a peek at the back.....

I have moved on to the next baby quilt.... colors that make me happy.

And a pattern that makes me smile.

And I can guarantee you it will NOT be perfect!!!!!

How Firm A Foundation?

I was playing Angry Birds with Zachary the other day...we have a competition going....and I realized, if you hit the foundation of the structures, they tumble easily! It is simple physics, but in aiming at those pigs, you can forget that. It hit me that over the last 11 years of my life, that is exactly what has happened to me. My foundation began to get chipped away at....by what? By life, the enemy, maybe even God Himself in some areas. My foundation was strong....what was my life built on? We all have the choice on what our foundation is made of and where those pieces fit. My foundation was built on God, of course, but that was not my entire foundation....One of the largest building blocks of my foundation was motherhood. I had HUGE bricks of confidence in this area. I was a REALLY GREAT MOTHER. It was so strong infact, that I actually made this the cornerstone of my foundation. Another area my life is built on is my marriage. 33 years very soon. To the same man. There is a brick of pride built in that area of my foundation. My church....before I moved back to my hometown, my Pastor, church family, and church were a HUGE part of what I built my life on. And family and friendship...that was, and is, a big area of my foundation. The largest area, remains my relationship with Christ....but it was not the cornerstone of my foundation. So 11 years ago, we moved here. Within 3 months, we had Charlotte. Life would never again be the same. Her illness became an earthquake in my life. Shifting my ground and shaking my foundation. Because I had not built a strong enough one, it began to crack and crumble. My church was gone, along with my pastor and church family. That took a huge chunk out of my already misplaced bricks. I attended church, but my foundation had been built with MY church....the one that was gone. My cornerstone of motherhood, and the other strong areas of my foundation stood strong...My relationship with my Saviour, which included my daily time in His Word and prayer and journaling my time with Him....those things along with my family and friends. Friends....oh yeah. They were all back in McHenry. Here I had no friends, but I did have family, along with my strong, earthquake-resistant marriage! That slot that was left open from the loss of my church? I filled it quickly with my son's wife and then added bricks around that of my grandchildren. Who needed church, right? The first thing that happens when you parent a child with reactive attachment disorder, is the part of your life you have built on motherhood starts getting chipped at....picture Angry Birds flying and hitting the concrete part of the foundation....one bird just gets knocked off, but after time, and so many birds, cracks start to happen.Now my life can handle some cracks. We all get bombarded with hits to our foundation. It is the cornerstone that will hold everything in place. Sadly, I based my life on being this incredibly great mom. THAT was my cornerstone. It was WHO I WAS. In this case, it did not matter, how well I fed this child, or how many stories I read her at bedtime, or how many hugs and kisses and "I love you"'s were passed out. Darling outfits, and shiny shoes, all mixed with hair ribbons and bright healthy teeth and bones, did not matter. I was failing....BADLY. Once that happened, everything else began to crumble.....my entire life was shaken.
My friendships were non existent....I would not allow it. Life was too out of control to allow new friendships in, and the old ones were far away. My daughter in law was gone with the end of my son's marriage. I had made her a very large part of my foundation....so large, my entire foundation shifted when she was no longer there, and I almost came undone. Family relationships began to break down. RAD does that....it triangulates, and with the large cracks in my foundation, I could not stand against it. My marriage remained in tact, but there were cracks forming there too. Life was shifting. My relationship with God was suffering great hits caused by a tsunami of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness.
Throughout the years, I have done some patching of cracks, and some superficial repairs. I have tried to make my life pleasing to God with the spackle of outward appearances and have "duct taped" areas by trying to follow His laws, instead of allowing His grace to come in and do the repairs correctly.
A while ago I realized, it is all out of my control. That cornerstone of Motherhood-ego is completely gone. It is powder and dust. That is NOT my end. I could tumble and my life could be in ruins, or I could ask my Jesus to move to that place in my foundation that is the corner stone...that place that holds up and protects the other areas that my life is built on. He did just that! I am not perfect in my life or my foundation, but I am standing strong, and tall, and my hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus Blood and righteousness!
How firm a foundation!!

The Full Armour of God

I have learned a valuable lesson in the last 2 weeks. A life changing lesson. I have always...for many years anyway, understood the meaning of the Full Armour of God as described in Ephesians 6:13-17. Verse 12 of Ephesians 6 sets the stage for the reason behind needing the armour. It says, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." So...the armour. it is clearly described in the Word and can not be messed up...I don't think I have ever heard someone misinterpret this passage of scripture. It says...."
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
That is what the armour IS....somehow I have, unknowingly, put on a different kind of armour.
Here is what I have learned armour is NOT:
loins girt with your best friend,
the breastplate of your local church,
having your feet shod with your own understanding,
the shield of your pastor,
the helmet of your spouse,
and the sword of the special speaker who is gifted in the area of your problems.
Just my own life lesson....well learned.

I Surrender

I tried....really I did. I tried to explain to Sassafras that, even though we were getting a new baby, she would still be loved and cared for just the same. She could stay the Queen and how fun it would be to have another baby in the house. She did not look convinced. She will just have to learn, because this Friday our new baby comes home. He/She is the little calico getting the bath.
Life will be interesting for a while, for sure. ;)
Even without the new addition, it has been an interesting season here.
You all know how the focus around here is on Charlotte during the halloween season. Not this year. We are virtually ignoring the behaviors, which makes them of no effect, and my own personal focus is on my OWN walk with God. Ten and a half years of battles and just the daily life of dealing with a traumatized child has taken it's toll on me. I wish you all would have known me "when". When life was different. Not easy, as back "when", I dealt with a child who seizured 100+ times a day for 12 years. Still I was STRONG spiritually. My faith was HUGE....I walked the walk and talked the talk and my focus was NEVER on the negative, but always on what God's Word said about things....God's Word said, Kyle was healed by the stripes of Jesus, (Isaiah 53:5, 1 Peter 2:24) and that when those who were sick sought to touch Him, ALL were healed...not some but ALL (Luke 6:19) So I sought to touch Him for Kyle. You could NOT convince me, no matter how hard you tried, that Kyle would NOT be healed of seizures or that his hearing would not be restored. I heard others pray, "if it is God's will" and would rebuke those words inside myself and claim what God's Word said. "IF" shouts unbelief. God's Word said Kyle was healed, so that was what I said too!!!! Did he still seizure? For 2 years after my faith had been built to this point (through the hearing of the Word....cause faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God...Romans 10:17) I watched Kyle seizure....then one day they were gone. Professionals spoke unbelief and doubt into our lives and said he would never go more than 3 months. Sure enough 3 months later he had 3 little seizures. My faith did not fail me. I claimed God's Word in Nahum 1:9 which says affliction shall not rise up a second time! Those seizures stopped that same day! You see, you can find a promise in the Word concerning any thing you are going through. So where is that lady of faith??? She disappeared. It was such a slow process, I didn't even notice it happening. I gave place to the devil. My focus became on the enemy and what he was doing instead of what God says! In all of that, Kyle had a grand mal seizure. He had been seizure free for YEARS and all of a sudden BAM....and grand mal at that! How did I handle that? Fear. I was full of it! God was still, ever so, merciful and Kyle has not had a seizure since. Why did He allow it to happen in the first place? Maybe to wake my faith up! It didn't work. I was so mired down in my fear and Charlotte's trauma and the fact that my life was so messed up in all that, my faith stayed dormant.
So this season, instead of focusing on all the negative, I am focusing on God's Word and what He says about my life. What does He say? I am gathering promises everyday. He says I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37) and that no weapon formed against me will prosper (Isaiah 57:17)and that my battle is not against flesh and blood (Charlotte) but against the enemy and that God has given me the weapons of warfare. All I need is there for me. (Ephesians 6:11-13 and 2 Corinthians 10:3-5) and that NOTHING can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39). Building faith. We build our faith through His Word. That is where I am this season. Mountains are going to move around here....I can feel the ground shaking already!
Before I close this post, I had a visit from the grandkids this weekend. I looked out my window and saw little boys sitting still and knew something was amiss.....

Nope...just "connecting" with their games.This sweet little girl brightened the day like no one else could!It was a nice day and I look forward to having them for an overnight next Friday. THAT should be interesting....a new kitten AND grandkids! Faith is coming just in time! ;)
My new favorite picture......

A Whole Lotta Nothing Post

Well that is an old pic! My camera is not working right now, so I thought I would use some of my favorite graphics and a couple of older pictures in this post. Poor Sassafras. A few days ago she started digging and biting at herself. She is a preener....the girl is CLEAN! She went half crazy with whatever was causing her to lick and scratch and bite for hours on end! She is an indoor cat, NEVER goes out, yet Sass had fleas! The horrors of it all! A trip to the vets office (me, not her) to grab some Frontline and within 24 hours she is her old self.

I do have this recent photo of Charlotte.....she is turning into such a young woman.
The kids are doing well. We are starting school the day after Labor Day. We do school through the summer, but it's more laid back. Our new year officially begins in the fall. My mom and I are taking the kids to Galena on the 14th, so that will be a fun day. They will go through President Grant's home, and see some other historical sites.
I have been attending Weight Watcher meetings since the first of August. To my amazement, I am still going every week. It is a slow process, but it IS working. I am down 8.8 pounds for the month. My mom is doing well too. We are doing this together which really helps.
Subject change.....how many of you have been judged by someone....whether it is someone you know, or someone you don't know? Well, we all have! The Word says, in 2 Timothy 3:12, "Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution." It is a hard place to be and the first reaction is to defend yourself and speak back! Oh, how we want to do that! Instead we are to show the love of Christ....not letting those who are talking badly of you walk all over you...no, that is not what I am saying, but if we KNOW we are under false persecution, most times we can just sit back and let God deal with them. Think about that for a minute.....I would NOT want to be in their shoes!!! (Can you tell I am under persecution? Well PRAISE GOD for it, cause it only pushes me onward, knowing HE is my Strength and my Salvation!)I will just lift my hands and my voice in praises to Him and let those mean words pass right on by to Him who is the true Judge. I may even say a little prayer to ask for mercy on that person, knowing, Woe to him who "stretches forth his hand (or tongue) against the Lord's anointed".....many people think that refers to God's Pastors, but I know I am anointed of God in the work I am being judged for! I take this warning for myself too....just as we have all been judged, we have all judged others, while covering that sin with the lie that it is "just my opinion". It is time to step into a place where we reflect His love, not the enemy's lies. I guess I kinda defended myself here just a bit after all...believe me, could say MUCH more! (Forgive any nasty comments that may come with this post...I have no control over someone elses "opinions") Ok...rant over.....♥
IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON!Ya know what that means???? I get to QUILT without guilt!!! While Sweetheart watches the Bears, I sew! It is the deal. Has been for years, so now I need to get something in the hoop!
Let's talk Grandkids....I love this older photo of my babies. Rachel and I took them for this shoot. It was so much fun! (I miss that girl!)TJ and Emerson will be here on Friday. I have not seen them in 3 weeks! I am beyond excited! I get them overnight and then will see them again on Sunday! I LOVE my time with those babies!

The quilt blocks for Isla's raffle quilt are pouring in. I am overwhelmed at the generosity of you all. I will keep you updated as to the progress...I think you will see a finished quilt very soon!

I am out of pictures here, so I guess that means it is time to close. I will leave you with this picture thought (one of my favorites!)....