There is a pain so intense you think it will swallow you whole. You could never prepare yourself for it, and you find that it comes in waves, though the wave can engulf you at the most inopportune times. You must always be ready.
People mean well. They really do. I am overwhelmed at the love being poured out on me and my children....99.9% of those people say the perfect thing, which is usually nothing. The other .1%.....well, like I said, they mean well, but I pray for them, because when they really suffer a deep loss, they will need me to be in that 99.9% and I will be ready for them....mostly saying nothing but letting them know I am there.
When Sweetheart died, he took my identity with him. I don't know who I am anymore. I will never be "Kim and Brenda" again. The way I do everything is changed...the way I clean, shop, cook, sleep, eat, breathe.....yes, I even breathe differently.
Touch is sweet. Not a day went by without Sweetheart touching me. My skin aches for him to hold me. It is almost a physical ache. He loved me deep....I miss that most of all.
Night time is dark....darker than I ever knew.
God is still there....I feel Him. He cries over me. He knows my unbearable sorrow. It is in my core...where He is.
My boys take their cues from me.....when I'm sad they are sad....when I'm "ok", they are ok. We all had people around us. They had friends, and I had family and friends surrounding us for the first week. Then friends and family have to return to their own lives, so it is us....the 3 of us.....to go through the motions. Which brings me to the next lesson....
I have an "auto-pilot" that I didn't know I had. I can go through all the motions...showering, dressing, grocery shopping, cleaning.....without even realizing I am doing it. Auto-pilot.
I also have "Instant Replay". It happens daily. That moment when I found my soul mate gone...instantly, suddenly, unexpectedly, taken from me. Again I breathe only half way. And the pain and sadness engulf.
My children need me. More than ever before. It seems unfair, as all I want to do is wrap myself in his hoodie, and breathe in deep from his pillow and hide there, eyes closed as I imagine myself spooned into him, as he breathes into my neck. But my children....they need a strong mother. One who gets up everyday, and takes care of them. So I do.
I am at the beginning. The very start of this unwelcome journey. Widow. Its my new identity. I hate that word......with the same passion as I loved Sweetheart. I have so much more to learn.
