This and That, Mostly That

As usual life is full. The Lily of the Valley are blooming in Hope's Garden, and the trees are full of mature leaves.
I went back to Pieces From Me to be able to link back to the posts on Hope and I spent the morning sobbing all over again. It has been such a year and seeing and reading of our time with Hope made me feel it all over again. Sweetheart painted the rock with Hope's name on it and placed it right over where she is buried. Looking at this little face makes me feel better!!!!I do really miss Pieces From Me. I feel like a traitor for just leaving it and coming over here with no way for my readers to find me. Most do not have a reply email so there is just no way to let them know without leaving it on the blog and that defeats the purpose. What was the purpose anyway? Oh yeah.....I remember now.
Well aren't you glad you clicked over to read here??? Am I a Bren the Bummer or what!!?? Well hold on, it gets better, or worse....not sure which.Is that a "Face of Trauma"? Maybe a "victim face". No, it could be the face of a martyr. Hmmmmm. What ever the meaning is behind it, I have had to look at that expression for days! It is that "poor, poor, me" look that really means, "Look out! My RAD is in full force!" I read a post the other day and this except screamed at me.

Don't start crying, now. I know it's not easy. I know that, like me, you've probably lost touch with a lot of your old friends, because you don't have much in common with them any more. You try to talk to them about your kids and they say stuff like: "All kids throw temper tantrums," and "All kids say they hate their mothers." And it kills a little something inside of you every time they do it, because you know that what your kids do is not like what other kids do, and you know that your friends (and usually your family) don't have any concept whatsoever what your life is like. And so you start to feel more and more like an alien and you get more and more isolated and you feel lonelier and lonelier and honey, that is just One.Terrible.Place.To.Be.
(copied and pasted with permission)

Of course I cried. I sobbed like a baby. How did she know all of that? Cause she is in the club. I hate being in this club. I did not ask for membership and I WANT OUT! The initiation is a hazing. We all get initiated the same way....bodily harm. I don't know one RAD mom who has not been hit, kicked, and thrown across a room. After the initiation, we are full fledged members. Without wanting it to happen, we become isolated in our own little RAD world. Some of us are blessed enough to find someone NOT in the club who sympathizes with what it must be like to be in the club. I have not really found that. I have one friend (in real life) that does not get it, but she believes in me. That helps, really it does, but her kids are all, well....picture the Duggar kids. Yes, they are all that good, and I give her credit. She did that! She never raises her voice. She has days go by without having to consequence. And yes, she has 6 kids, all homeschooled....1/3 more than I have and 2/3 more than I have at home. I am off target here. Where was I?....Oh yeah, the club. I have found there is no way out of this club. It is a life time membership. The perks? People tell you how amazing you are for saving this child and they admire you sooooo much for all you do. All the while you are thinking...."Do they know? Do they have a clue about the 30 minute tirade you went on yesterday telling (code for yelling) your sweet, rescued child to climb down off the cross cause Jesus already did that!" Of course not, cause if they did, you would not be so "admired". Other perks....hmmmm. I can't think of anymore. The non-perks? There is not enough blog to tell of those, and unless you are in the club, they make me look very bad. Unsympathetic, cold, calloused, heartless. You know you are not a fledgling member of the club when your own Mother, who knows you better than ANYONE, looks at you like you have horns growing out of your head and says, "All kids do that. You really are too hard on her." You really know you are a charter member when your Sweetheart of 32 years is dumbfounded by your insensitivity to a child who "could be worse". The sad part about this club is it takes a loving, caring mother, who DESERVES all the admiration and awe....yes we do, and that is not said with pride but with humility....(club members will get that right away)....it takes that woman whose goal in life was to save the life of a precious child and it turns her into an ogre. (Think Fiona turning from a gorgeous Princess into the Bride Of Shrek). Fiona still has the same heart, but she is no longer recognizable. RAD changes you into something people, especially those closest to you, do not recognize.
I have been in this club for 9 years. My skin is green and I have hairy warts all over my face. Yet my heart is still the same. My goal is to love this girl unconditionally on a daily basis. I am saddened to realize that the "unconditional" part has to be a conscious choice for me and is not just "in" me, like I thought it was. More on all of this another time.
Now I want to take off my Ogre mask and be "Proud Grandma" for a moment.
Look at this little guy playing baseball. Here he is in the outfield. He has the "stance" just right!And here he is on first base....he must think that is the "pro ball player" position. It sure looks good on him!I won't see the grandbabies until next weekend, but I sure do miss them!
Today I am going with my mom out to lunch and shopping. Later I have a dentist appointment, but I look forward to "out" time so much lately that even that seems ok.
Have a blessed end-of-the-week!!!