My Wilderness

I am not sure if any one of you have went through this....I pray not....and I won't bear my entire soul here for the world to judge. That job is reserved for God, Himself. Spiritually, over the last 10 years, I have lost myself. Lost my way. It was slow....not something I even noticed at first. Life for me had just changed. I moved from a town I loved, full of close friends, a wonderful church and church family, a quilting guild, and a quiet, peaceful, much loved life.

I moved back to my home town after 20 years. Many blessing are here also. I moved into a beautiful home (Sweetheart's dream home), I was close to my parents and extended family, and because of the move, Charlotte and Zach joined our family. HUGE blessings to be sure. However, I lost so much. I have yet to find a church to call home. I do not have any close friends...there are many "friends" who I care about and who care about me, but not "kindred" friends. After 10 years I have just recently met other hand quilters. I see them once a month, which is something to look forward to. I am a 50 year old mother of young children and grandmother of children not that far off from my own kids age. Not quite the norm in my neck of the woods. Most kids Charlotte and Zach's age have mothers who are in their 30's. Raising children with special needs is not new to me. Kyle had over 100 seizures a day for 12 years. That was all during that life I described as quiet and peaceful....my faith was GIANT during that time. It did not seem difficult. Raising Charlotte and Zach has felt like an enormously stressful task. They are hard. Life became a warfare for a while and still that warfare raises it's ugly head a couple of times a year. I am ashamed to admit, I do not feel the peace, and quiet in my spirit, It is not a much loved life. I lost my way. So I started to search. While wandering in the wilderness, I got turned around and started to follow others. It was easy....and wrong.
Very recently, Paul's words spoke to me:
" I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ unto another gospel:
Which is not another; but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ.
But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed.
As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed."
Galatians 1:6-9

Though I was not moving away from my Christian faith, I was heading down a path different than what I was called to. I was called to a life crucified with Christ.
"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain."
Galatians 2:20-21
I don't want to make vain, Christ's sacrifice.
I do know I don't want to continue walking the walk I have been. It is a heavy one. I may never find a church as wonderful as the one I had...I may never have the same kinds of friendships I had in McHenry...and I may never find a fun quilting guild. None of that compares to never having that intimacy with my Saviour that I unknowingly let fade. Those early mornings where I sought His heart and felt Him touch mine. Daily I soaked in His Word and could feel His smile. He took pleasure in me and I in Him. We were friends. There was joy. An indescribable joy, even as my son seized uncontrollably, I had peace and joy. I want that back....no matter what is roaring around me, I can have that peace that passes all understanding. Where do I begin? With repentance, that's where. And so I am.