Broken

I am going to try to make this really short, but feel I need to clarify myself....I tend to share my heart and expect you all to just know what I am saying. First...thank you SO much for your prayers. I am sorting things out. Yesterday, I took the day off. I did not think about any of this (too much) and just spent the day hand quilting, eating, and I even took a nap.

Second....Though I was "stung" by a couple of comments, there was never a malicious comment made to me. I do not get negative comments. (I got some nasty emails back when I wrote the Halloween post but none since then) The people that read my blog are all such incredible people. Considering I put myself out there, that is a real blessing. I know lots of bloggers that get nasty comments. I wonder sometimes if I am too "on the fence" with everyone and that maybe I should be getting more negative comments....the Word is offensive, we know that, but I have to say I am glad to only get nice words given to me. That being said, there are people who, though well-meaning (and that truly is the important thing), they have no real ability to empathize. They can not put themselves in someone else's shoes. Their compassion level is low and they tend to throw words that can feel like shards of glass. Their intent is to help. They are in no way trying to hurt you. They want to help. Normally, I would have been able to duck and not get hit by those sharp words, but I was too vulnerable. In all reality, those comments are the ones I need to go back and look at when I am not so "sore". I am not there yet. Now if you are wondering if that is you I described, then it is not. The reason being, those unable to empathize would never consider it was them, because they would be unable to see that their words could be hurtful, because that was not their intent.....they are too literal....clear as mud?Here are some words on brokenness that may help you understand where I am a bit more.

"Brokenness. One day you will meet her. Do not be surprised if she is nothing like what you have anticipated. She will not greet you as the gentle companion you will one day learn to appreciate. Neither will she approach you with a smile or an encouraging word. No, like a vain woman coveting the attention of everyone around her, Brokenness will accost you with a depth of reality you cannot ignore and a compelling voice that will demand a response."

That is SO true!!! Right now, I lie in the arms of Brokenness......I know what comes next....

"Days have passed. You lie in the arms of Brokenness, spent by your weeping and the pain you have suffered. "Do you understand what happened to bring you to these terrible days?", Brokenness questions you quietly. "I disobeyed God, " you respond weakly but quickly, a sure sign that Brokenness is truly being planted in your heart."You see, I prayed a couple of weeks ago while reading the book, "The Power of Brokenness" to be broken. Heavens to Betsy!!!! I had no idea. The condemnation and heavy sadness is going away. I do not think these are from God, or being broken, and I don't even know if I can blame all that on the enemy, but more on my own flesh. I know the truth....should I share it here? I think you would want to know. I went to my daughter. I asked her to tell me what I said to her that morning when she went with the friend. She repeated the words I had remembered. I asked her if I told her I needed a break from her. She said I did. I apologized to her and told her I would not want her to feel like I did not love her. She tried to assure me that she knew I was talking about her behaviors and not her. (I have discussed with her in the past that her behaviors are what I do not like, but it is her that I love) yet, I feel ashamed and wonder what things God is going to show me about myself....not just in parenting Charlotte, but from my inner self. It will be painful, but I am at the point where I welcome it and just want to get it over with.

Not so short after all....we all knew it wouldn't be! LOL

I need to go get ready for church. Praying you all have a blessed Lord's day!!!

Again, thank you for your love and care.

*deep breath*